Ep 8: Compusex Compumurder Compuwhat!
Narrator: You’re listening to episode 8 of The Electronic Lover, which means there are seven episodes before this one. You should listen to those if you haven’t, and go ahead and skip this one altogether if you’re not comfortable with…
…sexual situations.
Okay, okay, so to protect the identities of all participants engaged in the compusex forum…
compusex …. compusex…. compusex….
Narrator: Compusex. Computer. Sex. Having sex. On the computer. While typing.
Do you know about?
Have you told anyone?
It’s harmless
Loosen up
Did you hear about?
Something for everyone
Sex on the computer
Get your rocks off
Does your wife know?
Do you know about?
A two-way, a three-way…
Blow off some steam
Have you told anyone?
Have you ever tried….
Log on and get it on
It’s harmless
…a three-way, a four-way…
It’s a little bit awkward at first
Did you hear about?
Role play, bondage, fetish
Something for everyone
We’re all consenting adults here
Does your wife know?
Have you ever tried….
Log on and get it on
It’s harmless, lighten up
…a two-way, a three-way…
It’s a little bit awkward at first
…three-way, a four-way…
Did you hear about?
Role play, bondage, fetish
Something for everyone
Narrator: Compusex. Computer. Sex. Having sex. On the computer. While typing.
What could be safer?
Joan: Explore your fantasies
I always use a modem
Nobody knows who I am on here
Frankie: I can be whoever I want to be
You can be whoever you want to be!
Stan: We all contain multitudes
Uninhibited
And anonymous
Theresa: Discreet and sensual
Check in to a private room
Close the door
Turn off the lights
Alex: And slip into
Theresa, Stan, Frankie: Something more comfortable
I’ll use my fingertips
And you use yours
***
Alone at last
Tell me where you want to go today, Talkin’Lady?
Joan: We’re on the beach
I see you walking by
And I want you to rub
Some oil on my back
I just so happen to have some
Bain de Soleil
Tucked into my suit
Joan: I’m going to lie on my stomach
I’m going to straddle you
And give you a shoulder massage
Joan: That feels real good
Are we still on the beach?
Joan: The radiating warmth of the sun
I hate sand
I hate the way it gets stuck everywhere
Joan: Relax!
There’s no sand on this computer beach
Narrator: And sometimes the compusex leads to an exchange of phone numbers
Digits?
What’s your time zone?
***
Narrator: Joan was a hit in the sex chat. Maybe she’d be a hit in real life too.
Friday goes private to Talkin’ Lady Forward slash!
Frankie: Pretty exciting over there in the sex chat
Your new hubby doesn’t mind?
Joan: So you were lurking?
You might have a few fantasies of your own
How about some fun for a change?
Frankie: Sorry, too much work
Joan: Now is your chance–
Seize the moment!
Say yes to opportunity
Come to New York!
Frankie: I wish, really I do
Joan: Come and meet me, let’s party
And… meet a man
Frankie: Huh? What are you talking about?
Joan: An eligible friend
So handsome, so debonair
So accomplished and “with it”
A feminist!
Frankie: Joan, are you setting me up?
Joan: Hazel eyes and an absolute
Demon on the racquetball court
Frankie: It’s not that I wouldn’t love to meet you, Joan
Joan: And Jonathan!
Narrator: Spring Break was approaching. Frankie was intrigued.
Frankie: There’s an electric world out there
Jetting off for a weekend
For friendship
For romance
Am I bold enough to do it?
Would I stay with you, Joan?
How much is a ticket
For cross country travel?
I have so many questions
Can we log off and talk on the phone?
Joan: Friday, I would love to
Frankie: Send me your number
I can call you right now
Joan: But there is one thing you must know
The accident that put me in this wheelchair
Has also left me mute
Frankie: Mute? What do you mean, mute?
Joan: My voicebox was crushed
I will never speak again
Narrator: Okay. That’s a lot of new information, Joan.
Frankie: I can’t believe we didn’t know
Joan: Anyway…
Frankie: Wait. Go back.
You cannot talk?
Joan: Please let’s not make this about me
Frankie: But I’m just trying to unders-
Joan: Friday, Frankie
I need your friendship right now
Please get on a flight
My treat, of course!
A weekend you will never forget
With me!
Frankie: With you!
Joan: And do me a favor
By meeting my old friend
Believe me
You’ll be thanking me
Frankie: Oh, Joan
Narrator: A chance to meet Talkin’Lady. In. Real. Life.
It had to happen eventually.
***
Frankie: New York
I’ve never been
A 757
I’ve never flown
A cab ride, a blind date,
A cocktail at the Carlyle
And now I have arrived
My instructions were to come straight here
And meet Jonathan
With his white rose boutonniere
(A little much I suppose)
I think I spy him in the corner
What a mustache, a pushbroom!
A wine glass of sauterne
Hmmmmmmm
A little older than I thought
But distinguished
I take a breath
Refresh my lipstick
Before the maitre d’
Approaches and says
Maitre D’: Mademoiselle Friday, I presume?
Frankie: And leads me to Table 5
Narrator: This is a terrible time to interrupt, but I forgot to mention that everyone on the board knows Frankie is in New York meeting Joan, her new husband, and their friend Jonathan, the blind date. And the suspense is killing them.
Theresa: I wish they’d just check in and say hi
Margot: Patience, ladies! Give her some space.
Stan: Well they certainly won’t stop the party
To log onto a computer
I wonder how it’s going
***
Frankie: Which way is up?
Am I falling?
How does he know me so well?
The last 43 hours
A whirlwind
A sex haze
Infatuation
How does he know me so well?
Days ago, he was a perfect stranger
Not perfect, I know that
A few things he said made me pause
Made me wonder
Will I regret what I have done?
What happens next with this man?
How does he know me so well?
How does he know us so well?
Narrator: As the plane descended, and the sex haze wore off, her questions turned to worries and she thought she had better talk to someone reasonable, like Margot. It turned out Margot was waiting to talk to her too. Frankie private to Margot. Forward slash!
Frankie: You first
Margot: No, you please
Frankie: I feel all mixed up
A weekend like no other
Was it a fling?
Did I just have a fling?
Margot: Maybe!
And that’s fine!
Frankie: The strangest thing was
Margot: Something kinky?
Frankie: I never met Joan at all
Margot: But Joan told us
You had the time of your life
Frankie: She said what?
I was with Jonathan
The entire weekend
We called but she never answered
Margot: Really?
Frankie: He got on his computer to message her
And wow it was something
The same state-of-the-art Macintosh
That Joan just bought
I’ve ever seen one before
These psychiatrists!
Margot: Frankie, something isn’t right
Frankie: That’s what I came to tell you
Jonathan knew everything
Every single detail
All of our secrets
From The Silent Circle
I can’t believe Joan betrayed us
Margot: I’m sorry to say, it’s more than that
I don’t know how to tell you
But Joan was on the board last night
Telling everyone about your
Romantic weekend
With Jonathan
Frankie: Wait, in the women’s forum?
Margot: No, in the Secrets & Lies forum
Frankie: But absolutely everyone goes there!
Margot: In explicit detail
Probably while you were still on your flight
Frankie: How explicit?
Margot: I can’t!
Frankie: You must!
Margot: Carriage ride?
Frankie: What else
Margot: Candles
Calfskin boots
Chanel No. 5
Frankie: My God!
Margot: Caramel sauce
Frankie: Stop!
Margot: And those are just the Cs
Frankie: One, I can’t believe Joan told him our secrets
Two, I can’t believe he told Joan all those details
Three, I can’t believe Joan came on the board and…
Margot: Talkin’Lady is talking too much
Friday: I feel sick
I have to call a meeting
With the women
Margot: Yes – without Joan this time
***
Stan: Okay
Theresa: How the heck?
Stan: How much detail did this guy know?
Theresa: Did he mention my father?
Stan: I hope I didn’t come up.
No one knows anything about Stan!
This is mortifying.
Frankie: Everything!
He even knew about my abortion
Theresa: But Joan would never…
Wait, did he sneak into our chat?
Stan: Has anyone even met Joan?
Do we really know Joan?
What do we know?
Frankie: Where did she come from again?
When did she join the board?
What do we know?
Frankie and Stan: Can anyone vouch for her?
What do we know about Joan?
Stan: Ever since she married Alex…
Frankie: Who I also didn’t meet, by the way.
Stan: Wait. How did she even do that ridealong?
In a wheelchair accessible cop car?
Theresa: I guess someone could have lifted her?
Frankie: AND
Joan said she lived by the park
But Jonathan said she lived by the river
HE lived by the park
Theresa: Hold it
Did you talk on the phone?
Frankie: She says she can’t talk
Theresa: But she speaks Italian and Chinese!
She’s an interpreter at the UN
Frankie: The UN?
No she runs the psych research department
At Mt. Sinai
And counsels Cambodian refugees
Theresa: I know she consulted with the State Department
On the invasion of Grenada
Stan: Hang on
Listen to us
Are we paying attention?
This is all sounding quite bananas
B-a-n-a-n-a-s
Theresa: Margot? Are you there?
B-a-n-a-n-a-s
Frankie: Yeah, what’s your take?
B-a-n-a-n-a-s
Stan: Margot, you haven’t said a word
***
Narrator: GoGo private to Buck
Forward slash!
Margot: Buck, I need you now!
Garrison: Margot, is the server melting?
Margot: The board is melting!
It’s falling apart
It’s Talkin’Lady
She has been violating everyone’s privacy
She needs to go
Ban her
Banish her
Cancel her membership!
Garrison: This is serious
Please explain—
Margot: Joan had everyone
Tell her a secret
Garrison: What
Why
??
Margot: An exercise
To build trust in the women’s forum
Garrison: Wow – pretty sketchy!
Margot: She flew Friday last Friday
To New York
To meet her and her husband
And some friend
Garrison: I don’t like the sound of this
Margot: But his is what’s happening, Garrison
People meet on the boards
And want to get together in real life
Garrison: Hmn…go on
Margot: Soooooooo
Not only did Joan tell everyone’s secrets to her friend
Which he then repeated to Friday
But he also told Joan the intimate details of his romantic weekend with Friday
And Joan went into the Secrets and Lies forum
And told everyone what had happened between them
Before Frankie had even landed at the airport!
Garrison: We need to talk to her
Margot: She must explain herself
Garrison: Should we call her?
Margot: Apparently she cannot speak!
Garrison: But I thought she was an inspirational speaker
In the Human Potential Movement
Narrator: Margot sends a very formal email requesting that Joan meet with them.
Joan replies immediately.
Joan: Hey, what’s up, sweetie?
Narrator: Margot doesn’t answer. She’s fuming. She holds back, waits for the appointed time, and logs on with Garrison.
Garrison: The best thing I think
Is for you to start
To say your piece
Joan: Darlings
I don’t know what
The problem is
If our lovely Friday feels regret
About her wild New York weekend
And doesn’t want to own her actions
Margot: That’s not what’s happening, Joan
And I’m sure you know that
Garrison: You have breached the trust
Of many in our community
Margot: Your friends!
Garrison: And they no longer want you on the board
Margot: The Silent Circle!
Why, Joan, why?
***
Joan: OK, Joan baby
Time to
Shift the gear
Switch the tack
Take charge
If I play this right
The others will have my back
I’m too smart to go down like this
We are all too entwined
This scheme is mine!
Narrator: So this was her strategy: wrestle back control of the situation by inviting EVERYONE into the private meeting
Theresa: Hello
Frankie: Hey guys
Stan: Here we are
Joan: My darlings!
Margot: But Joan, we’re in the middle of something here!
Stan: We would like to have a word
Theresa: I’m sure you can explain
Friday: I beg of you, please
What is going on?
Joan: To hell and back
That’s where I’ve been
My new husband
Has been murdered
In the line of duty
Murdered!
Oh my God!
What?!
I can’t believe….
What happened?
Margot: What, when?
Joan: Last night
Margot: While you were on the board
Gossiping?
Joan: This morning
Stan: My God, he was shot?
Joan: Shot and stabbed
Friday: Good Lord
Joan: And his patrol car
Set aflame
Theresa and Stan: May his memory be a blessing
Friday: So that’s why
You never picked up the phone
Narrator: Things took a turn. The group had some forgiveness in their hearts for Joan. As she laid out the details of this horrific crime, they offered words of support until…
Garrison: I will call my old friend at the NYPD
Immediately
To send my condolences
Margot: It’s Officer Alexander Westmoreland,
Officer Alexander Westmoreland
Joan: So kind, friends but no need!
They are all so busy at the station….
Stan: I imagine there’s a story
I can access on the AP Wire
Joan: I am not sure if the news is public yet…..
Theresa: Which funeral home is it?
Where can we send flowers?
Joan: Enough!
I raise the white flag
I surrender
I invented my husband
Because I am so lonely
Theresa: Oh, Joan
Margot: I’m speechless
Frankie: What, are you kidding?
Joan: But didn’t I help you all
Inspire you?
Teach you?
And oh, my voice is actually intact
But I led you to all to believe otherwise
Because I am too timid
To speak on the phone
Garrison: Too timid?
Joan: But my true confession is…
Margot: What now?
Joan: I am…
I am…
Narrator: I am bracing myself!
Joan: I am in love with Friday
Truly, deeply
Friday: Joan?
Joan: My intention was to create an allegory
A story from which we all could learn
I apologize if my words were taken literally
Stan: Wait, no accident?
No murder?
Joan: I am only guilty
Of craving love and sympathy
But my foibles, my missteps
Have led us down this
Enlightened path to love
Margot: But you’ve never met
Friday: That’s right, we’ve never met
Joan: But we have
Friday: Enough of this madness
I need you to look me in the eye
and tell me the truth
Joan: Dear Friday,
I have looked you in the eye
In those dancing, bright eyes
The color of burnished amber
As I held you in my arms
And ran my hand through your hair
Luscious! Chestnut!
At dawn as the sun broke over the horizon
Dear Frankie!
It is I!
***
The Electronic Lover 